A morose entry today, with one of my characters who ends up committing suicide. I don’t want her to be a victim but at the same time I want her to merit some sympathy. Though she does insane things to try and get the man she loves to love her back, and the guy is perfectly reasonable in distancing himself from her. There’s a reason for her behaviour and really all she wants is redemption, though she’s wrong in trying to find it with someone else. I like this character, I feel bad about what I’ve put her through!
Here’s the transcript:
“The red didn’t work, I should have known. Can’t believe I would do something so stupid! Ross smiles at me over breakfast and I smile back, screaming inside how I wish things were different. Berating myself because, yes, things would have been different without him. Do you want that? Then be grateful! But Dan’s face haunts me, no matter how hard I fight. I’m not doing anything now that isn’t doing it without him. Memories stop me in my tracks, whatever I’m doing and his touch has burrowed deep under my skin. It’s like I’m on fire but keeping up appearances.
He hates me now. My chance to be close to him, to help him with losing his sister and I got it wrong. I want him. I want him so bad I’m screaming and don’t I deserve to have something that I actually want? I’ve desired so little, can’t I have this? But I know he’ll never know, never care. He’s turned away from me, like everyone has except Ross. Except now I can’t stand Ross anymore and looking at him makes me want to fight. Fight against where I am.
The red didn’t work. There’s no escape from my sins. I need the water, I need to get away.”