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4 Reasons Why The Walking Dead Doesn’t Know A Thing About Giving Birth

WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE WALKING DEAD SEASON TWO

tumblr_m6fgn0Zwdp1rwlw84o1_400I’ve been catching up on The Walking Dead lately and telling pretty much everyone who watches it with me that I’ve read the comics and giving my views on how this compares. I can’t turn this off and I’ve noticed how the show has done some incredibly interesting things with the source material. Do I always think it’s good? Hell no! And the worst offender has to be the scene in which Laurie gives birth. It pointlessly changes what happens in the comics and gives some of the worst advice on how to give birth I’ve ever seen. So here are the top four things that occurred when Laurie gave birth in The Walking Dead that you should NEVER do!

Started Contractions? That Means The Baby’s Nearly Here, Right?

Just to set the scene: Laurie is hiding with Maggie and her son from the zombie horde and starts feeling contractions. Or, she thinks they’re contractions. Actually, ignore that because if she think they’re contractions then they must be contractions. I mean, no woman has ever had a false start on giving birth and it’s not like she’s in a highly stressful situation. It’s not like she’d have other indications that it’s time, such as her water breaking or bloody show (some women discharge blood in advance, don’t be a baby). What does Maggie – the daughter of the only doctor in the area – do? Immediately orders Laurie to push.

You’ll have to forgive me for the next parallel I’m going to draw but I think it demonstrates what’s stupid about this. If you feel the first inclings that you need to take a crap and you go to the bathroom, we’ve all learnt that you can push and strain until you bust a gut but nothing will happen. Your muscles in your ass have nothing to do with your bowels so you can’t rush this bodily function even if you reeeeeally want to. A womb is exactly the same. If you’ve started contractions that just means your womb has started the long and oh-so-fun process of moving the baby out of it and pushing will do nothing. Why do you think hospitals wait until your 10cm dilated? It’s because pushing early will freaking exhaust you for no good reason and you’ll have no reserves for when you really DO need to push.

This Is Taking More Than An Hour? Holy Crap, We’re In Trouble!

Maggie... just... just stop

Maggie… just… just stop

Once Maggie has dispensed that gem of advice (Push girl! I know you can do it!) we then move onto how fast this all escalates. We know that it’s daylight when Laurie has her first contraction and we know that it’s still daylight when the baby is out. That gives us an absolute maximum of 9 hours to play with and I’m being excessively generous. 9 hours isn’t how long Laurie struggles, if I had to guess I’d say it’s about two and that is a ridiculously short amount of time to go from “Ow, I think I’ve had my first contractions” to SPOILERS “This baby isn’t coming, you have to cut it out of me”.  I was born in 10 hours and this is not unusual, ask your mum. Yeah, she probably went through a lot more for you than Laurie seems willing to. The 20-45 minute births you hear about on the news where the baby literally dropped out right then-and-there are very unusual and in most cases the woman had been having contractions for ages that she’d chosen to ignore.  I understand that this is a very high stress situation and that both the women are prone to panic but let’s not forget that we’re talking about cutting a woman open and taking out the baby yourself. Waiting has GOT to be preferable. When you reach 20+ hours, then you can start to worry. Which leads me to another problem.

Why Do These Women Not Know Anything?

Again, I know it’s an extreme situation and I for one would rather not give birth whilst waiting for the walking dead to possibly pop out from around a corner. But I can’t get over how, in the heat of the moment, both women seem to forget all common sense when it comes to birth. They suddenly know nothing despite the fact that Maggie’s Dad was a vet and she worked on a farm where she probably at some point at least saw if not aided in birthing an animal. Never mind the fact that Laurie has been pregnant before, the evidence of which is standing fairly close at hand. Even if it was a c-section before, did Rick decide that prenatal classes were too hippy or something? She should have had the process explained to her at some point and even the haziest memories of such classes would be better than what these women manage. Honestly, only Carl gets an excuse for this and he doesn’t even know how babies are made!

Baby’s Here! All Prepar-Oh Wait….

So, Judith is born and her Mum is dead. Oh well, at least the group have plenty of supplies to see them through…. or not. It amazes me that during the whole second and third trimester, our valient heroes faught off the living dead with such cunning but didn’t stop to think: Woman get big. Baby come. Baby need food and supplies. Time is of the essence here people! No forumula, no baby food. And don’t tell me they have best before dates because I know nappies certainly don’t. They travel in cars so I don’t think weight was the problem. At some point, this group must have been travelling to places with food and to suggest they didn’t think to pick up baby stuff on the way just makes them all look like absolute idiots.

So yeah, there’s the wrong way to have a baby! If you’re thinking about ever having your own then check out the right way to have a baby.

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